Click it' N Get it

truth is- I walked away from God.
I was tired of being the good girl who was left with an empty heart. I spent years being that good girl who always felt so crappy b/c no matter how much I improved it still wasn't enough. So I choose to follow love. The Love brought me back to God then away again. Now its been over a year on my own. Time sure does have a way of running away with its self. Life has escaped me and has left me in quick sand of un balanceness.

Now I dont know where to go. Well I have ideas. But one thing I do know is that I think I miss God. I miss that connection with He who made me. But the truth is, I dont know if I am ready for religion. I am enjoying being free of guilt and should be. I dont really know what this means for this super Christian southern girl.

But what I still ache for are the fufilment of empty dreams, of the empty space next to me in bed. I ache for the carefree old me- that seemed to breathe in life with a smile upon her face. I miss good music, poetry, quiet evenings with the sound of crickets, a garden, free time, free space, room for creativity. I miss love. Right now, heartache is my contant companion.

So I am sheading off the things that make me sad. I am going to try to live life as a artist. Lets see how that works out.

Flight

Taking control is the best form of flight.

Time to take flight.
Time to plan.
Time to enjoy.
Time to focus.


About time.

Flight

Taking control is the best form of flight.

Time to take flight.
Time to plan.
Time to enjoy.
Time to focus.


About time.

one more day

one more day to fill what was left behind by him
one more day to try to do better than before
one more day to try to find how the old me fits with the new me
one more day to decide how to move forward
one more day to finally live the life that i want
one more day, to just be me.


truth is, i am fighting for more. fighting for me finally standing up and taking control. for living a life that i want. problem is , all of the dreams that i want mean i have to sacrifice other dreams. do i save up- work until next summer and then go live abroad. will that mean that i miss out on marriage and babies? or is this dream of having that love and family just simply something thats not in the cards for me?

nothing about life turns out the way i thought it would. the more i live the more i see that life is really about me. me making choices and going after what i want. time doesn't sleep. so for right now, i will work and dream - dream of having time to garden, to cook, to read , to have good conversations filled with laugh lines and love.

so for now, i will work and continue missing. missing those dreams, love and what i want.

trying to find home

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truth is i know why i came but i just cant make it feel like home. i can't seem to find my peace, my place in this town. i am trying to give myself patience. to go out, meet people and push myself to be who i want to be. but no matter what i do he is still haunting me. in my dreams its like he creeps in filling me with the sweet memories we created here. and within each still moment a new old memory fills my mind . the memories are a gift, a real piece of heaven. the torture is in knowing he has no recollection anymore. his memories are with someone new. being alone in sweet memories is torture. sweet torture.
maybe today will be better. maybe today i won't be haunted.

A little bit of wanting

With all the changes that I have experienced in the last few weeks I have found myself just existing but still having sheer peace. Things have been tough- but for the first time in a long time they don't seem unconquerable.

So I am taking things slow. Seeing where life leads and living in the moment while planning for the future. It is all mine.



3 minutes of mindfulness

finding myself
taking care
focusing
nesting
finding
waiting
watching
proactiveness
love
eyes
time
past time
right time

takes saying goodbye to grow

Today, I am starting to tell people about my plans.

And for the first time in my entire life, I am seeing how real life is. How people can make connections and share their experiences. I am teary, scared, but talking to dear friends, I know I have to do this. I have been checked out of life for a very long time. Its time to check into people, to caring, to living a life that I can be proud of when I am 100.

Todays the day.

I have alot of work to do.

I can't wait.

3 minutes-

excitement

they did it and so can i

life will happen without me

i need to take the reigns

paris

europe

documentary photography

school

being half of me

living for the first time

really really living

fighting for myself

take the leap

good music

great conversations and great laughter